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21 Years of Parenting

My eldest son turns 21 tomorrow.  I love the man he is becoming and thank God for him every day as he is such a gift to me.  He has honed my soul more than he knows, and made me think and reflect and take inventory of my own life on more than one occasion.  He has done this in his own way, with the particular gifts and personality that God has given him, as have my other 3 children in their own particular way.  Each child, so different, so unique, and deeply impacting. Parenting is the greatest challenge of my life.  The physical exhaustion of the early years turns to emotional exhaustion as they grow older.  And here's the deal: there's no manual, and we are not prepared for the job, no matter how old you are or how many books you read.  You build the bridge as you walk across it and as they grow older you start to think how you might do things differently if you had another crack at it.  But then you remember that you are still parenting, and have the chance to adjust right now because our kids need us for as many days as God gives us.

 

So after 21 years of parenting and being around a lot of children during the process I have a few not particularly profound suggestions.

 

1. While there is no manual, there is a Bible that informs us God loves our children more than we do, that He is a God not only to us but to our children.  He is sovereign, and I will trust Him with my children and this is what my children need me to do so I don't try to play God in their life.


2. Don't do it alone, but within community. Our children need to know that they and their parents are part of a community, that there are other adults and peers who are safe places for them to process life. The contributions of other adults in the lives of my children are irreplaceable and invaluable.


3. Focus on helping your child learn how to think for themselves versus telling them what to think. Certainly you will instruct and educate, but as they grow older they have to individuate and own their beliefs, their faith, their values, for themselves. This means your home needs to be a safe place to process and (gasp!)  disagree with you.  You must hold your convictions with grace and charity, and they need to see you model that because the world they are growing up in is global.  My 13 year old was video chatting with her friend in Tokyo minutes after the recent earthquake. That is a different world.  And it's a world that often tells them  Christian communities are not places where questions, dissenting opinions, and struggle are welcomed. Counter that message or else they'll process their life another place.


4. Focus less on behaviors and more on the heart. Try (and in some seasons of their life they may not let you in... return to point 1 when this happens) to find out what's keeping them up at night, and I can tell you it's not behaviors they are fretting over, but fear. Fear of the future, fear of becoming an adult in a world that changes so fast on them they wonder if they can keep up, fear their parents are going to crash and burn, fear they won't make their grades, fear they don't look a certain way, fear someone will find out they have been traumatized by another adult and haven't told anyone, and the list goes on and on.  This and other issues of the heart should be your focus and it's where the good conversations, however brief, take place.  Fears, dreams, longings, hopes, disappointments... run with those themes and resist the impulse to make your parenting only about behavior and performance.


5. Listen to them. I know they are kids, with still developing brains, and don't know their up from down and can be ridiculously naïve.  They are also ridiculously intuitive and have so much to teach you if you will slow down and listen and be present. Most parents with adult children I know wish they had done less talking and more listening. I'll always have lots of things to teach my kids, but have you discovered how much they have to teach you?

 

"They grow up so fast" I was told so many times when my children were young.  I didn't believe them in the midst of sleepless nights and diapers.  I believe them now.  Cherish the children in your life, yours and others.  Craft a life that includes them.  You impoverish your life when you filter out the enormous gift of children.

 

The list is far from complete.   These are the May 19th ramblings of a dad whose life changed forever on May 20th, 1990.  Happy Birthday John Mark, my beloved eldest son.

Rev. Fred Harrell

Founding Pastor
The Rev. Fred O. Harrell is a native of Central Florida and is a graduate of the University of...

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