Skip to Content Area

Conscious Marrying

written by Kirsten Oates, one of the teachers of our pre-marriage course

In last week's announcement that she and husband were separating, actress Gwyneth Paltrow borrowed a term from Dr. Habib Sadeghi and Dr. Sherry Sami: "Conscious Uncoupling." Sadeghi and Sami sought to explain that "the idea of being married to one person for life is too much pressure for anyone," and that divorce and separation are natural responses to an outdated mode of understanding relationships.

We thought this was a great opportunity to talk about how City Church thinks about marriage and how we help prepare people for this commitment in our pre-marriage class. We want to talk about this issue with sensitivity and clarity, holding onto what is true and good about marriage while also acknowledging that everyone's personal journey is different. With that in mind, we would also affirm that the concept of marriage is God's design, not ours, and therefore we can look to the Bible as the source of guidance.

At City Church we talk about the grand Biblical narrative being the story of the world, the story of our lives and the story of our marriages. God created the world and humankind in God's image, to be in relationship with God. Mysteriously, humanity rebelled against God and our unity with God was broken. God entered into humanity in order to be with us and died on the cross to destroy all that is death in us and in this world. God's work on our behalf is reclaiming and restoring his creation. You will notice that same story and rhythm play into our marriages and, in that same way, we believe God has good news for us:

  • We believe that a marriage is created by God and with God to be a symbol of God's relationship with us;
  • We make a covenant promise to love and commit to our spouse, in light of the way God promises to be committed to us;
  • Because of our brokenness our marriages will fall into pain and turmoil;
  • Because of Jesus' redeeming work we can call on God to continually renew us and our marriages.

Created in God's image, we are built for intimate relationship - to be seen, known and loved. Because this is a broken world, however, we have learned to survive by armoring up, putting on a mask, and being what we think we need to be to survive. Just like the church, marriage was designed to be a safe place to be vulnerable and known, a place where even when we hurt each other, we move towards each other with love and forgiveness. This sounds good in theory but in practice vulnerability is frightening, forgiveness is difficult, and often we don't really know ourselves very well.

In my own marriage, I have struggled to be vulnerable to my husband. My dad left when I was very young and it was a struggle for my mother to survive. I saw that being dependent on someone could lead to tremendous pain, so I became self sufficient and detached in certain ways. Sometimes I really hurt my husband with my independence, which in turn hurts me. I see my selfishness and lose the closeness that I truly desire. In those moments of pain I want to be cold and shut down, to get as far away from the pain as I can. I have had to learn to trust in God's plan, to listen to my husband share his feelings, to not react against him for making me feel selfish, and to not condemn myself either, but instead look to God's grace to heal me and help me move back towards my husband. What we find in that process is we are being stripped of our armor and our ways of hiding while, at the same time, a deeper connection and love is developing. Relying on God throughout this process has deepened my relationship with God and my sense of who God is.

In Ephesians, marriage is talked about as two people becoming "one flesh." When you hurt the other, you hurt yourself as well. The marriage relationship is likened to Jesus' relationship with the church. When we sin or disappoint God, God does not desert us but continues to move toward us with love, forgiveness and grace. I find this picture hopeful as I try and live into this experience again and again knowing that God has already done the great work of renewal through the cross.

In our pre-marriage class at City Church, we talk about the biblical concept of being equally yoked. In marriage, it is critical to be aligned in your understanding of the purpose of marriage, to know that your brokenness will show up but that you can rely on God's grace to continue to grow and transform your marriage and yourself. God calls us to be conscious of our movement toward the person we have married, even when that may be the last thing we actually want to do. (This, of course, is not meant in reference to marriage situations that have become abusive or violent. That is a different case altogether.) But marriage is not a disposable contract to be entered into and left at whim; it is a covenant that lasts lifelong, through pain and reconciliation, and which God uses to restore us to ourselves, to each other, and to God.

Contact

This field is required.
This field is required.
Send
Reset Form