When I was first asked to do a church marriage retreat, the title I sent to the pastor was, “On the Death of Your Marriage.” He said, “Wow…we’ll sell out with a title like that!” He was joking, of course, but even with that title we filled a large conference room and I spoke with the wisdom of a 31 year-old married for six years. Some nice folks told me it was a very good retreat. A few others left scratching their heads.
Looking back at my notes, I think the content for the retreat was excellent, though I can’t imagine my 31 year-old self really understanding the implications of it. Yes, I talked about death, the death of marriage. I said that marriages that really thrive actually die. They often die little deaths along the way. We must die as married couples, I recall saying, in order to live into some more noble vision of marriage. Did I even have a clue about this when I said it?
Sara and I have died multiple deaths in our 20-plus years of marriage. I suspect that one of the big ‘first’ deaths was happening back then. As I wrote the notes for that retreat, I grappled with the reality that the Sara I married and the Chuck she married were mirages. We fell in love with each other’s ‘false self,’ the self we wanted to love - pretty, bright, glittering, put together, smart, funny, intimate, gracious. By year five, the (unintentional) ruse was unraveling. I didn’t much like the Sara I’d married, and she was quite unhappy with the not-so-put-together Chuck she’d married.
This is when couples convince themselves that they married the wrong person. True love wouldn’t allow this, would it? These are the times when we pick up the marital remote control and starting clicking through for other options - someone funnier, sexier, smarter, thinner, holier. These are the times when we seek that self-help marriage book which will give us the to-do’s to rescue us - more date nights, better sex, frequent communication, words of affirmation.
Bullshnikies, as my best friend used to say. A bunch of hogwash. Don’t buy it if someone is selling it. Neither switching the channel on the remote nor dressing your marriage up with a few guru tips will deeply and radically change you or your marriage. Death will. Yes death - the inevitable and natural occurrence - in nature, in spiritual progress, in marital intimacy. This is what I mean by death: You must die to who you thought he’d be, how you thought she’d look, what you thought you’d become. Real transformative change requires this brutal reckoning with reality.
Truthfully, I only had an inkling of this 15 years ago. I’ll say the same 15 years from now. But I know the fruits. Sara and I have died several deaths in our marriage, only to experience deeper intimacy and joy. Choosing honesty and connection over mere behavioral touch-ups has been difficult. But it has also, paradoxically, brought life to our relationship. It might even be cool to name a retreat “On the Death of Your Marriage” pretty soon.
But if you’re not ready yet, I invite you to join me on Saturday, February 28, 2015 for “A Deeper Love: The Dynamics of a Flourishing Marriage.” That sounds like a title we can all get behind, right? You’ll hear some of what I say here fleshed out. But we will explore much more, including the latest and most compelling research on what cultivates flourishing in marriage.
Whether you are exploring marriage or you’ve been married for 50 years, whether you are exploring Christian faith and its understanding of marriage or whether you’ve read every Christian book available, I trust that you’ll find this to be a compelling vision for lasting intimacy in your most significant relationship.
A DEEPER LOVE: THE DYNAMICS OF A FLOURISHING MARRIAGE
Saturday, February 28 | 9 AM - 5 PM | Sutter Campus
Marriage Conference
Speaker: Rev Dr Chuck DeGroat
Do you long for a deeper love? Most do, but the reality is harsh. Half of all marriages fail. This tragedy is magnified by the reality that many couples stay together but enjoy little intimacy, friendship, and happiness. Amidst our busy lives, few couples have the time or energy to devote to growing their marriage. And few have any sense of vision or tools for a flourishing marriage. Together, we’ll explore the dynamics of a flourishing marriage. We’ll explore how connection, even more than communication, fosters flourishing marriages. We’ll see how difficulty and disagreements actually provide our best opportunities for growth and depth. And we’ll explore practical ways of fostering deeper connection for lasting love.
Childcare will not be available for this conference
Register Today!